Parenting Under the Stars

Thanks to Operation Bob (A Sign of Good Parenting) I came across this story about a 16 year old teenager who was caught speeding.

Part of his punishment was to wear a sign before and after school that said “I was stupid. I drove over 100mph and got caught. Thank God! I could have killed me and my friends.”(Teenager Shamed into Slowing Down)

He was going 107 mph in a 55mph zone so also had the car taken away. (Good call.) The mother said that more parents should be tougher on their children and her son Adam says he learned his lesson.

• Most of the people who left comments at Operation Bob agree with the mother’s punishment method and have cheered her on but I don’t believe this shame based solution would suit every child. According to the story Adam harbors no hard feelings so it does appear to have been effective.

In another instance though a different teen could have been on a suicide mission and already had low self esteem. Shaming him some more could possibly just send him over the edge so some sort of counseling or therapy would be a wiser choice.

Some might argue that the kid may have died speeding anyway so something drastic had to be done. I agree but don’t believe this particular method would be good for all teenagers. Every child is different but generally, many children will have long term negative effects from shame based discipline/punishment methods.

Using Shame to Control Behavior

The theory is that if you make a child feel bad enough, he will not repeat the behavior. The problem is that put downs and name calling often make a child feel worse so some end up acting out more.

So it’s not simply a matter of figuring out whether the punishment fits the crime but fitting the discipline method to your child’s personality. I know someone who was put down and humilated continuously from the time he was little and told that he was useless and would end up in prison. Guess where he ended up?

What would you do if your teen was caught speeding? Do you have any ideas for healthier alternatives?

A poll conducted by Cookie magazine and AOL concluded that 94% of parents think American children are spoiled. 55% think their own kids contribute to the situation.

Because of the information provided, I’m assuming they’re defining spoiled to mean supplying their children with money without conditions.

It is possible to shower a child with money and still neglect them. I could not find anywhere it mentioned how much affection or time was actually spent with these supposedly spoiled children so it appears they’re only referring to money.

Chores equal money?

One in five parents responded that their children receive an allowance without having to do any specific chores for it. We don’t give money out for chores either but that doesn’t mean they don’t do chores. Interpreting the results depends on how the questions were asked.

We tried the money for chores thing when our older kids were little but gave up on it because didn’t like the attitude that came about as a result.

Children should help simply because they’re part of the family team and not because they’re being paid. Most family members help each other out without receiving money for it. If it works for other people that’s fine but we don’t generally pay for household chores.

• When I think of spoiled children I think of the types of children and behaviors that Supernanny Jo Frost deals with such as major temper tantrums, outright defiance/refusals, constant whining etc. Randi discusses this a little more on her “Do you go Super?” post at Parenting Toddlers.

Among the survey’s other findings:

Use Money as a Reward

• 40% of parents polled said they reward good grades with something other than praise (money or other tangible rewards).

Give Money as a Gift

• 81% of parents polled said it is suitable to give cash to a child.

• 11% of parents put all the money into a savings account.

Give an Allowance

• 13% of kids earn $15 a week or more.

Parents are somewhat split over the age they begin giving their children an allowance.

• 41% gave it between the ages of six and eight.

• 28% between the ages of nine and eleven

• 18% at age twelve or older.

• 13% between the ages of three and five.

• 64% earn their allowance by doing chores.

Money as a Negotiation Tactic

• 69% of parents dock their children’s allowance when they don’t do their chores, or when they misbehave.

A Child’s Own Money

• 85% said their children have a savings account that was given to them at birth (45%) or by the time they turned fifteen(39%)

• 11% of the parents have given their children ATM cards

• 59% do not plan on doing so until their children are sixteen. (New York, Dec. 12 /PRNewswire)

There are supposedly three categories or styles of parenting although I prefer not to be pigeon holed.

We’ll explore them anyway and then you can decide which one you are, although my guess is most of us are a combination.

They are Authoritarian, Permissive and Democratic/Authoritative.

Authoritarian:

Strict and rigid rules with the expectation to obey them with no questions asked. Punishments are given if children do not conform.

Permissive:

Warm and loving but few if any demands, boundaries or expectations are made on the child. Children are not generally punished or given rules.

Democratic/Authoritative:

There are clear rules and expectations but the child is encouraged to communicate by questioning and talking. Some flexibility with compromises occurs. Children may still be punished and/or disciplined but the reason is explained to them.

• Actually there is a fourth category and that is the uninvolved or neglectful parent. It’s somewhat similar to permissive parenting except in this case the parent does not care about their child and is basically uninvolved.

In some cases children should simply obey for their own safety especially when little but for many things there is room for flexibility.

I would like to explore the styles further but in the meantime you can take this parenting style quiz if you want. They have labeled the styles as Autocratic (Authoritarian) Permissive and Active (Democratic). I was a cross between Authoritarian and Democratic which was no big surprise.

• If you would like to explore home schooling, check out Mom is Teaching’s unschooling post.