Parenting Under the Stars

After going through some various strange sickness symptoms that I won’t get into I’m feeling better now. I escaped and went out with a friend to the 30th Annual Justice Dinner where Bob Rae spoke on how to be tough on crime and love the charter.

His take on being tough on crime is to work harder on prevention and doing that by starting with kids so that they’ll have a chance. If more teens were treated for mental health issues or addictions earlier, they would have a better chance. Instead, many get lost in the cracks, end up on the streets, put on waiting lists and then land in jail.

Nobody is really surprised but not enough is done to prevent it. Prevention makes much more sense than simply building more jails and waiting for more kids to mess up.

Just building more jails instead of offering help early not only sends the message to children that they’re not worth it but also puts them and the rest of society in danger. These kids need help before it’s too late. A large percentage of children who are abused also end up being abusers but you don’t hear about it until they hurt themselves or someone else.

Prevention with our own kids includes talking to them about drugs, teaching them how to manage conflicts, bullying and how to handle peer pressure. If they can’t talk to us that is when they are vulnerable to turning to someone else who might not have their best interests at heart like gangs.

Helping other children by volunteering and supporting free leisure activities, breakfast programs and community centers in our communities are other ways we can all help make a difference.

I did take some pictures but not too many of them turned out well. I blame the lighting but admit I need practice.

There’s a picture of him and I floating around somewhere but the one taken with my camera didn’t turn out. At the end of his talk, Bob sang us a tune and I left feeling hopeful for all of our children’s futures.

Sorry for the lack of posting the last few days. I really don’t have a great excuse but I was reading about Jamie Oliver and his work with kids today and wanted to share with those who may not have heard about it.

Fifteen Foundation is a registered charity and social program that helps train disadvantaged youth with the skills to become a chef. Fifteen restaurant started out in London 2002. Jamie Oliver (the famous “Naked Chef”) is one of the trustees and came up with the original idea. The concept caught on and has since expanded with restaurants in Amsterdam, Melbourne and Cornwall.

• That Jamie believed in these teenagers and saw a spark that others may not have is fantastic. Besides having a big heart, Jamie Oliver is a creative genius in the kitchen. He has commented a couple times about not being very bright in various interviews but he does not give himself enough credit.

I read some of the teenage graduate’s stories; one was a former car thief/drug dealer but now excels at a fulfilling job as a junior chef at Fifteen in London. Another was an unemployed single mother and another admits to simply sitting around smoking too much pot.

Fifteen Foundation’s Mission:

“Fifteen Foundation exists to inspire disadvantaged young people – homeless, unemployed, overcoming drug or alcohol problems - to believe that they can create for themselves great careers in the restaurant industry.”

Jamie as Activist for Kids Health

Jamie has his own kids and says that it has helped him see other children not as horrible little kids but someone else’s children. He has also been very active in promoting healthy school lunches and brought attention to the fact that the kids were eating junk at school and did not have enough funding for healthy food.

You can read more about the progress made at JamieOliver.com. There’s also a forum there and lots of free yummy recipes. He also has a podcast there and sells cookbooks, DVDs and lists all his television shows. Jamie makes you smile and shows how cooking can be fun. Gotta love him.

• Here’s a video of Jamie Oliver talking with Parkinson about what inspired him to invest his money on Fifteen and disadvantaged kids in Britain.

Although Corey puts up a tough front as many teenagers do, he won’t talk to his parents because he says he’s afraid they will kill him.

He says it just started out as a small party with a couple mates but 500 people ended up attending as well as the Police force and a dog squad. He lied to his parents, telling them he had work commitments and couldn’t join them to travel out of town.

I feel bad for the parents but I bet they won’t let Corey have the house to himself for quite a while. I do hope they make him pay up if the $20,000 dollar fine sticks.

I was reading Jean’s wisdom or heart post the other day and it got me thinking. She was pondering whether a mother should listen to her heart and bail a child/teenager out of jail or listen to wise advice and let him stew for a few days.

Let them stew

My parents mostly let us stew. It’s hard to say exactly what would happen from immediately bailing out this particular child but I know some people who were bailed out several times in more ways than one. In other words, they continued the behavior.

Sometimes when you try to save a teen or even an adult from pain it becomes enabling and is actually doing them more harm than good. Their pain becomes prolonged because they don’t learn properly from the experience and they don’t endure the consequences most others have.

Protecting Children

It is natural to want to protect a child and in many cases, it’s part of parenting and expected and appropriate. When they’re too young to know better, they must be taught and constantly supervised and told not to go near the road. If they do not listen to you the first time you will probably make sure they don’t do it again since it could be life or death.

Eventually children grow up and sometimes defy someone else by breaking their rules. Since you can no longer be there to watch over them all the time, they will likely rebel and/or make mistakes. To what extent depends on the individual, but constantly rescuing a teenager prevents them from facing consequences and growing up.

Tough Love

People sometimes use this “tough love” too harshly however and have a hard time differentiating when to show support and love and when to let go. Since many of us were brought up in dysfunctional families, it can get confusing.

Tough love does not mean scream insults and put downs at children to toughen them up, nor does it mean to abandon a child completely.

My parents always loved me, but did not love my actions. They mostly made sure I knew it was my behavior they did not like and not me as a person. It’s an important distinction when you think about it. It is a lot different hearing “You are a bad person.” compared to “That was not a nice thing to say.” or “That behavior was rude.”

• Some parents think if you make children feel bad enough about themselves and/or ashamed that this will prevent them from acting out or misbehaving. This backfires because they will often find someone or something else that will make them feel better about themselves but is not always good for them.

• Jean asks at Parenting and Religion on her Wisdom and Heart post: “Is tough parenting called for at times- regardless of what the heart might say?” I say yes.

The bottom line to what I would do is not bail the teen out and let him know I love him, although do not approve of his behavior. It’s tough talk though since I have never had a teen in jail and hope it’s not put to the test.