Parenting Under the Stars

I was reading Jean’s wisdom or heart post the other day and it got me thinking. She was pondering whether a mother should listen to her heart and bail a child/teenager out of jail or listen to wise advice and let him stew for a few days.

Let them stew

My parents mostly let us stew. It’s hard to say exactly what would happen from immediately bailing out this particular child but I know some people who were bailed out several times in more ways than one. In other words, they continued the behavior.

Sometimes when you try to save a teen or even an adult from pain it becomes enabling and is actually doing them more harm than good. Their pain becomes prolonged because they don’t learn properly from the experience and they don’t endure the consequences most others have.

Protecting Children

It is natural to want to protect a child and in many cases, it’s part of parenting and expected and appropriate. When they’re too young to know better, they must be taught and constantly supervised and told not to go near the road. If they do not listen to you the first time you will probably make sure they don’t do it again since it could be life or death.

Eventually children grow up and sometimes defy someone else by breaking their rules. Since you can no longer be there to watch over them all the time, they will likely rebel and/or make mistakes. To what extent depends on the individual, but constantly rescuing a teenager prevents them from facing consequences and growing up.

Tough Love

People sometimes use this “tough love” too harshly however and have a hard time differentiating when to show support and love and when to let go. Since many of us were brought up in dysfunctional families, it can get confusing.

Tough love does not mean scream insults and put downs at children to toughen them up, nor does it mean to abandon a child completely.

My parents always loved me, but did not love my actions. They mostly made sure I knew it was my behavior they did not like and not me as a person. It’s an important distinction when you think about it. It is a lot different hearing “You are a bad person.” compared to “That was not a nice thing to say.” or “That behavior was rude.”

• Some parents think if you make children feel bad enough about themselves and/or ashamed that this will prevent them from acting out or misbehaving. This backfires because they will often find someone or something else that will make them feel better about themselves but is not always good for them.

• Jean asks at Parenting and Religion on her Wisdom and Heart post: “Is tough parenting called for at times- regardless of what the heart might say?” I say yes.

The bottom line to what I would do is not bail the teen out and let him know I love him, although do not approve of his behavior. It’s tough talk though since I have never had a teen in jail and hope it’s not put to the test.