Site Meter Parenting Under the Stars » Blog Archive » Teens and Tough Love

Teens and Tough Love

by

Rebels: Audrey JohnsonI was reading Jean’s wisdom or heart post the other day and it got me thinking. She was pondering whether a mother should listen to her heart and bail a child/teenager out of jail or listen to wise advice and let him stew for a few days.

Let them stew

My parents mostly let us stew. It’s hard to say exactly what would happen from immediately bailing out this particular child but I know some people who were bailed out several times in more ways than one. In other words, they continued the behavior.

Sometimes when you try to save a teen or even an adult from pain it becomes enabling and is actually doing them more harm than good. Their pain becomes prolonged because they don’t learn properly from the experience and they don’t endure the consequences most others have.

Protecting Children

It is natural to want to protect a child and in many cases, it’s part of parenting and expected and appropriate. When they’re too young to know better, they must be taught and constantly supervised and told not to go near the road. If they do not listen to you the first time you will probably make sure they don’t do it again since it could be life or death.

Eventually children grow up and sometimes defy someone else by breaking their rules. Since you can no longer be there to watch over them all the time, they will likely rebel and/or make mistakes. To what extent depends on the individual, but constantly rescuing a teenager prevents them from facing consequences and growing up.

Tough Love

People sometimes use this “tough love” too harshly however and have a hard time differentiating when to show support and love and when to let go. Since many of us were brought up in dysfunctional families, it can get confusing.

Tough love does not mean scream insults and put downs at children to toughen them up, nor does it mean to abandon a child completely.

My parents always loved me, but did not love my actions. They mostly made sure I knew it was my behavior they did not like and not me as a person. It’s an important distinction when you think about it. It is a lot different hearing “You are a bad person.” compared to “That was not a nice thing to say.” or “That behavior was rude.”

  • Some parents think if you make children feel bad enough about themselves and/or ashamed that this will prevent them from acting out or misbehaving. This backfires because they will often find someone or something else that will make them feel better about themselves but is not always good for them.
  • Jean asks at Parenting and Religion on her Wisdom and Heart post: “Is tough parenting called for at times- regardless of what the heart might say?” I say yes.

The bottom line to what I would do is not bail the teen out and let him know I love him, although do not approve of his behavior. It’s tough talk though since I have never had a teen in jail and hope it’s not put to the test.


7 Responses to “Teens and Tough Love”

  1. Sympathy Pain » Blog Archive » Meanest Mom on the Planet. Says:

    [...] Mom on the Planet. by Bryan Comer Talk about teens and tough love…A mom in Des Moines found a bottle of adult beverage in her 19 year old’s car. Instead [...]

  2. Louise Aspden Says:

    Well written article.

    As parents we sometimes feel we need to be tough so that our kids turn out “good”.

    What is important is exactly what your parents did - address the behavior and still ensure the child feels loved. That is as rewarding as it is difficult.

    I quoted a great example of this in my blog:

    (See The Light In Your Children: Happiness Now)

    With gratitude…

  3. slot registration play Says:

    diagonal play slot play slot the

  4. roulette wheel repair Says:

    wheel software roulette roulette wheel electronic

  5. insurance life health unicare Says:

    unicare health insurance texas life health unicare insurance

  6. stonebridge life company valley insurance Says:

    life insurance company stonebridge plano valley life stonebridge insurance company

  7. KaitabasuraMardhanaya Says:

    Hello. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday. This is a great story. Thanks!

Leave a Reply


About Parenting Under the Stars

Everyone wants a happy healthy family but sometimes parents need help with practical solutions to parenting challenges. Learn a new craft, talk about discipline or share tips, tricks and recipes. Explore with us the joys and challenges of raising children at Parenting Under the Stars.

Parenting Under the Stars Author(s)

Parenting & Family Channel Posts

  • Monsanto Roundup
    With nine million litres of Roundup sold each year all over the world, the American agrochemical group Monsanto holds a world record. For the first time, a study led by Gilles-Eric Séralini [...]
  • What a proud parent does?
    So, there’s the looming talk of “candy at school” but thus far my son doesn’t seem to be any the wiser about how the whole “no more candy” came to be.  I’m trying to be objective, [...]
  • To prove I’m not the perfect parent
    My children are having a hard time with the fact that their mommy has been gone quite a bit lately.  And, I’m home now with no chance of traveling for quite some time and hopefully, if I do [...]
  • Cooking with Kids
    Bo is a great helper. I love to make cookies with Peanut. It's our fun mother/daughter activity. For a while, every time she took a nap, she'd ask if we could make chocolate chips when she [...]
  • Sleep: A Chance to Dream and For Mom to Get a Break
    I love sleep. It is in my top five of favorite things to do. Having a baby kind of ruins this though! The Little Guy is slowly getting better at sleeping. Many mornings, he's out cold at [...]
  • So, I really hate to complain but candy? Really?
    Here’s the deal.  You all know that my son is a talker and that thus far his teacher has been more than a little bit receptive to the fact that he NEVER.SHUTS.UP.  She seems to be [...]
  • Ok, so let’s talking Parenting…mmmkay?
    Ok, so yea, I get it, I’m a parent but not everyone wants to hear me tell parenting stories.  So, I figure, I’ll give you one little parenting story and then guide you in the direction of [...]
  • Do You Pull Up?
    The other day, I was working. I really was. I was doing some research, and I happened upon an article about Tori Spelling. She talked about her son, Liam's, potty training process. Here's a [...]
  • Electroshocking Toddlers?
    American psychiatry still regards electroconvulsive therapy as a respected treatment, even for kids. Although ECT for young children is nowhere near as common as for adults, most U.S. states [...]
  • Babies having babies.
    Mama always said that she was a 'baby that had a baby' when she got pregnant with me a mere WEEK after her wedding to Papa. She and I still look like sisters (I'm the YOUNGER one, dammit!), and we [...]

Hot Off The Press